


i am cruel, i am gentle, i can make you laugh

by dt3am (bigsleepsuperhighway)



Series: i'll be your slaughterhouse, your killing floor [1]
Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Criminals, Alternate Universe - Grand Theft Auto Setting, Drabble, Fake Dream Team, M/M, armed robbery murder & a high speed police chase: all the ingredients for a sexy friday night!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-21
Updated: 2021-01-21
Packaged: 2021-03-13 01:53:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28895415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bigsleepsuperhighway/pseuds/dt3am
Summary: It's one of the back-of-the-hand things Dream knows about him: Sapnap wears every single emotion he feels on his face like a spotlight or a broken nose. Keeps his heart on his sleeve for a last-ditch ace.Or, preserving the integrity of date night.
Relationships: Clay | Dream/Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF)
Series: i'll be your slaughterhouse, your killing floor [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2119194
Comments: 13
Kudos: 69





	i am cruel, i am gentle, i can make you laugh

**Author's Note:**

> FAKE DTEAM AU (gta!verse)
> 
> so hey i love crime aus more than anything in the world & i also love achievement hunter, so 1 day i was like "hey what if fahc but dteam" & shit this out in like an hour. u dnt need 2 know anything ab gta 2 enjoy this tho!!!! its kinda j a crime au but im incorporating a couple canon elements from gta online like,,, the setting & shit. anyway its cool
> 
> title is from 'cop car' by mitski
> 
> tws r in the ending notes
> 
> enjoy <3

"You totally owe me," Sapnap says dashingly, chivalrously bumping his shoulder with Dream's as they walk romantically down the sidewalk.

Well.

They're  _ running, _ actually. They're running, if anybody should want to get technical about it, and Sapnap's not  _ saying, _ he's  _ yelling, _ loud enough to be heard over the rushing wind and the blood pounding in Dream's eardrums, the evening air tasting like gunmetal and money.

So it's more like—

_ "You totally owe me!" _ Sapnap bellows, police sirens racketing up off the buildings about a half-mile behind them.

That's it; that's the way the story goes. Sapnap still bumps Dream's shoulder in this retelling, but it's because he's almost knocking him over like a fucking bowling pin trying to get to his bike. He's giggling fiercely at the pedestrians shooting them nervous glances, walking faster to avoid eye contact when they pass, 'cause of course any Los Santos citizen worth their salt knows an armed robbery in progress when they see one. Big and loud and bright.

"No fucking way we had time to get the whole register," Dream corrects him, jacking up his own kickstand and pushing off the curb, pulling in the clutch. "He wasn't moving fast enough! There was  _ no _ chance."

"And so you  _ shot _ him, you fucking dick, and now we're out two hundred bucks!"

Both are true, regretfully, which Dream will give him even though Sapnap is pretty unbearable when he's right about something. They'd been getting snacks at one of the several hundred 24-7s downtown, and it was also  _ date night, _ which meant that there was no way it was gonna be just snacks.

And the whole time they were in the store, Sapnap had that conspiratorial look on his face that stood on the top of Mount Chiliad and screamed,  _ I am armed and dangerous and about as chill as a lit firework, _ so patently volatile Dream had to sigh at him to be more subtle, for fuck's sake—but it had been okay. They'd gotten a mean three hundred out of it, plus approximately half the city's stock of white cheddar popcorn.

Now, the expression Sapnap is wearing is a lot like his 'impending felony' face, except this is the one that tells Dream they're probably gonna fuck in a  _ thrillingly _ public venue later—he's grinning lecherously, right down to his eyeteeth as Dream straddles his bike and slides his mask on.

It's one of the back-of-the-hand things Dream knows about him: Sapnap wears every single emotion he feels on his face like a spotlight or a broken nose. Keeps his heart on his sleeve for a last-ditch ace. And he's crass, and he's loud, and he robs places when he's bored, and maybe making him  _ less _ bored—making him curse and laugh and yell at the top of his lungs—well, maybe that's not the worst thing in the world.

So, like,  _ yeah, _ they ended up getting their shitfood for free, whatever, and maybe Dream had been the one to fire the first shot, the inside of the cashier's head painting all the magazines on display behind the counter bright fuckoff red.

Whatever. Just to preserve the integrity of date night.

And this is the  _ right _ way to tell the story: the saddle is burning and the ignition is loud; Sapnap whoops at the sky, skids rubber on sizzling concrete. The thrum of the engine always seems so much more intense when they have heat on them, like thunder or mortar fire or the crack of a baseball bat a hundred times, one right after the other, a big-time rumble and a home run. Dream feels it in his thighs, in his hips, finds himself matching the wolf-smile Sapnap's giving him even though Sapnap won't see it.

Maybe there's proper movie romance in it somewhere.

Maybe in some other moment-time-place-story Sapnap is taking Dream's face in both hands and kissing him under a streetlamp, making love to him like Disney. Fuck it, maybe there's swooning, even.

But. For now.

"How 'bout—if you beat me back home, we're even," Dream calls to him, feeling his stomach begin to pitch giddily as the cops round the corner behind him.

Sapnap laughs, shouts up at the fire in the firmament 'cause all in all it's a pretty  _ fucking _ good end to the night. A twist on the usual formula, like a surprise ending. "You are  _ on, _ baby," he howls, the impromptu starting pistol just as the taxpayers' bullets start to whizz past them, and they ride off into the sunset like it's a Western, like it's a goddamn shoot-'em-up, so neck and neck that maybe if Dream closed his eyes he could taste the crook of Sapnap's smile. "You are  _ on." _

**Author's Note:**

> **tw/cw: guns, death**
> 
> drop me a comment if u liked this!!! i have So many concepts 4 this au j rattlin around in my brain, so definitely expect more!!!! <33 ty 4 reading


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